I wish I thought to blog just a part of the thoughts that come to my mind. Yet in this season of life I find it difficult to take time away from my kids to do so. Since my last blog (WAY back in July) I have celebrated my oldest becoming a teen, been part of the pinning ceremony for my husband, now a warrant officer, almost come half-way through another school year, and continued to struggle with the grieving of my grandmother.
I prepare to finish wrapping the gifts to place under the tree tonight. My children seem to be my only motivation these days as Christmas approaches. Many days I feel like I'm in a dark and lonely place. It feels like the pain will never end. I've had so few people in my life that I completely trusted and loved with all of my heart. I am trying to stay focused on the real reason of the holidays. My 4 year old is the one constantly commenting about Jesus' birthday and how important it was for Him to be born a baby so He could save us. I love to see the world through her eyes.
I don't know many people who have dealt with grief. I wonder how fine the line is between grief and depression. So few know my battle, I can't believe I even mention it here. Sadly, no one even mentions her much anymore. I guess I look fine from the outside. The most unfortunate thing that has come from my loss has probably been realizing how self-focused everyone really is. I have truly appreciated those that have been there for me, and I know I was very clear about my relationship with my grandmother to all that were around me but people forget. I have a friend that lost her mother this year. I know she also will have a hard Christmas. The holidays are hard without the people you love. This year I plan to stay in my home with my family. I don't care to venture out or celebrate with anyone else. Maybe next year will be different, but right now I live one day at a time.