Emotions

Some days go by so quickly that I'm without time to go beyond the daily expectations. Other days are quite the opposite, brief moments turning into long mental events. I've always been a very emotional person. I laugh with people and cry with people. My mom tells stories of my Lassie watching days and that I just couldn't watch Old Yeller. Pathetic perhaps, but I never have liked the fact that I'm such an emotional person.

It seems as I get older that the emotional roller coaster only worsens. These days it is further compounded by my grandmother's death. I hate dealing with emotions. They're like an added weight to my body, a weight I'd like to lose.

Maybe someday I'll be the victor over my emotions. Maybe not. Either way, I continue the battle, and yes it is a battle.

Dealing with loss

February 16, 2011 I am home very sick for a second day from school. I am sitting in a clinic hoping that I will get some relief from the sufferings in my body. As I'm waiting there my phone rings. It's the call I've dreaded for so long. My mother tells me how things have gotten really bad for my grandmother. The Hospice nurse said she would not likely make it through the night.

I lost my beloved grandmother in the early morning hours of February 17, 2011.

The funeral service was a great tribute to the godly woman she was. Here's what I wrote that was shared at the service.

Do not grieve long for her
Her battle was fought well and with great endurance
She was a living testimony of God’s hand in action
3-6 months the doctors said
That was 20 months ago
She was not defined by the battle with cancer
She IS defined by the legacy she leaves
She was a woman of great faith
With a heart for orphans, widows and the hurting
A faithful wife
Devoted mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother lovingly referred to as “Granny”
She did not require blood to be in her family
Vanity was not in her nature nor idleness in her hands
She is a “woman who feared the Lord and is praised”

My lifetime memories I have to pass on are…
The biscuits we made
Scaring her from behind (she ALWAYS jumped)
Walks around the neighborhood to recycle cans
Tending the garden
Canning seasons
Licking the beaters
Back rubs and jokes in bed
Cold washcloths to the last one up for school
Special treats for us grand-children (and the great-grands)
Burnt potholders
Seeing her at my college graduation IN IOWA!
Her countless hours of Bible study and hand written Scriptures
The stories she shared with me and with my girls of her growing up
Listening to her reflect on her life and how much she loved her daughters and her grandchildren
My last good-bye…

So do not grieve long for her
Her faith is now sight and she is finally home.
“Well done, good and faithful servant.”

I also added this verse of a great hymn:
All the way my Savior leads me
O the fullness of His love!
Perfect rest to me is promised
In my Father’s house above.
When my spirit, clothed immortal,
Wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages—
Jesus led me all the way


I wish I could tell you that the weeks since have been a healing time and a time of rejoicing in her homecoming. As much as I know I should look forward to seeing her again someday, I can't seem to get past the idea of not seeing her here. I don't know much about grief. The only other loss I've ever had to suffer was that of my grandfather in 1997. That loss was devastating as well. It took years to even talk about it. This feels worse. I guess it's because I was even closer to my grandmother and had more years with her. Maybe it's also because my children were able to know her and I get to watch them suffer through a loss as well.

I write down thoughts here and there. I don't know how long this journey of dealing with her loss will be. I just hope that by the end I will be stronger and be even more confident in my faith. That is the better alternative to just being depressed and plain crazy.

View for the New Year

I've never liked making New Year's resolutions. I suppose I know I won't keep it well so why disappoint myself. I have enough failures in my life. With each new year I find myself longing to enjoy each day more. As the days of my grandmother's life draw to an end, I am reminded of just how temporary this life is, and I do not want to look back with regret on what I missed out on. What I have been thinking a lot about lately is how to not miss out on things.

I think many of us have the wrong idea about taking advantage of every day. I know that many times I feel I have to participate in everything I am invited to or that I must enroll my children in endless opportunities whether it is sports, church activities, school activities...you get the idea. God has been speaking to my heart lately though about this particular matter. What I've come to realize is that many times, filling my days up with numerous activities, attending every social event, and looking for ways to make my children "happy and successful" really has nothing to do with making the most of every day. Instead I am filling a void. That void only becomes larger the more I try to fill it! Instead of making the most of my days and my life with earthly things I should be filling them with heavenly things. Instead of a night out with the girls, why not a night out with my Savior? Instead of finding a new sport or extra-curricular activity for one of my children, why not spend the time with them growing our relationship with Jesus? My kids don't need to play soccer, they need to understand the basis of their faith. It is NOT a Sunday only job, nor is it the responsibility of a church to turn my children into faithful followers. The church should be coming along side of me, not filling my place. If I only demonstrate a life of busyness, then that's the only life my children will know.

So instead of making revolutions I hope to keep, I need to actually make life changes that reflect my heart and that also reflect the will of God. Allowing myself to be consumed with things of this world (activities, appearance, etc.) are only making me a slave to this world rather than an ambassador for Christ. Imagine, if everyone gave as much of their time, energy, and money for God's purpose and work and we do for ourselves, how much better would our world be? How much better would our witness be?

Lessons in Joy and Contentment

Is there anyone that doesn't struggle with being content? I'm still working on it, but I never cease to find examples and reminders in day to day life of this struggle I face. Sometimes it hits me when I log into Facebook and see what's going on in the lives of my friends, other times it comes when I think I'm going out on a short grocery trip where I find myself shopping for more than groceries, and yet other moments come from times when I, myself, am teaching the lessons to others. "Gulp!"

In the Bible class I teach at a local Christian school we are discussing happiness vs. joy. Happiness is in the moment, based on emotion, and is often based on what we have (or don't have). Joy, however, is from within the heart, is long lasting, and should be rooted from the salvation we have received.

Like I said, I'm still working on it! As Christmas comes in a matter of a few weeks I have been reminded of how easy it is to search for happiness rather than joy. Where is my contentment? I was amazed by my own children and thankful for the hearts they have and the contentment they display despite me. It's funny to hear people ask my children what they want for Christmas. We don't do the "Santa Claus" thing. He's just fun, but not the one that delivers toys. Of my three girls (12, 8, and 3) none are sure what they want! We actually went to a store one day to look for ideas to give family! My girls are content with what they have and two of the three have joy that comes from knowing the Lord as their personal Savior. We decided to ask more for needs (like clothes to grow into!) and soon they will be requesting our usual trip to drop off a toy for Toys for Tots. I'm sure they'll clean out their rooms and play room that they may donate their old toys to kids that don't have any. I look back and am thankful that somewhere along the line along with all the mistakes I've made, that I've also made some good choices too. Choices to teach my children about those in need and who don't have anything and to care for the needy remembering we are representatives of our Creator.

Christmas Preview

I've rarely had time to get on my blog since returning to work. It's just not easy to work full time and still be a wife and mother. It does teach me more appreciation of our time together at home!

An update on my grandmother:
She is still with us. She is in hospice and still at home. She sounds good on the phone, but she is getting very weak. We feel the end is near, but only God knows her appointed hour. Our family is loading up in a few weeks to be with her for Christmas (but shhhh....it's a surprise for her).

Fall will soon be ending as winter takes over. The leaves have almost completed their shedding process and the temperatures continue decreasing with no promise of "one more" warm day. The stores have already decorated for Christmas neglecting Thanksgiving in the process and even a local radio station is playing 24/7 Christmas music. The kids are excited at the thought of beautiful dresses, Christmas carols, new toys, and time with family. I'm trying to share in that with them, but at times am held back knowing there will be no more for my Grandmother. Actually I feel like I'm trying to pray her through this Christmas!

I'm reminded everywhere I go that God is good ALL the TIME!! We all have to face our mortality yet I am rejoicing as I know that I have an immortal soul and spirit. As for my grandmother, regardless of when Jesus calls her home I can rest assured knowing I will see her again.

Now to figure out what people want for Christmas!! I think I'll wait till after Thanksgiving! :P