As it is after midnight I'm here because I can't sleep. My mind won't shut off. It's now Sunday morning. That puts me on the verge of a panic attack.
I blogged way back in July about some of my struggles with church. I wish I could say it has been better. We started a new church journey about 15 months ago. This church has a wonderful pastor, wonderful leadership, but that's about as far as I can get. I've tried being part by joining things, volunteering, and going to events. I'm still an outsider. Everyone is nice. No one knows my name that didn't before we began attending. I can't say I've learned very many either.
When will 'church people' wake up? I listen to the people in Sunday school show their Bible knowledge. I hear the church telling us who to pray for and how to serve. Everything looks great when you're observing as a newcomer. My heart hurts because I wonder if it's me. I know there aren't many my age with kids that match my kids' ages. Why does that matter?
I keep telling God my hurt, and I know there must be something else out there that's better. It's like being rejected from family.
....Lacking sleep and emotions are running high, but even though I told my husband I would go to church I don't know if I can handle it. I'm going to pray myself to sleep and hopefully feel better when I wake. I will hold to God's promises that are better than anything man can offer.
Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.