My Grief Continued...

I posted yesterday about the grief I've experienced in the last year after losing my grandmother to cancer. I posted some of the writing I've done in the last year. Here's the latest entries that I have written.

Christmas 2009: Our last. The girls loved her and she loved them.

"Faith's Resting Place"
January 4, 2012

Someday my faith will be my sight.
The splendor of Heaven will consume me.
The roaring of the Lion of Judah that filled my spirit will be heard as the gentle voice of the Shepherd that has beentending to me for so long.
I will cry out in joyful praises for the battles I have fought and are now overcome.
I will reunite with the saints that have gone before me.
I will take a tour of a place I will never grow tired of.
There is a brightness that opens up new views of color never before imagined.
I will learn the truth of perfection.
I am forever grateful for that choice so long ago.
And the security that came with that reward.
I will never tire of seeing my Savior face to face and my eternity of worship that lies ahead.
I will see where my faith is made visible and where the chains of sin are removed.
For here is the resting place of God's grace as promised for those who chose faith.

Our last Christmas together 2009.


"Trials"
January 21, 2012
I know God is allowing these trials so that I might savor the victory that much more. Were I to walk through this life without tribulation it would be equal to the life of a spoiled child. There would be no appreciation in overcoming a hardship and faith becomes rooted in self rather than God.

It's not to say I relish the trials that come my way. Instead I must look forward to the victory that will come at the end knowing my Savior has my life in His hand.

I sometimes live just to survive a day and some days just to make it hour by hour. My comfort comes in many forms. The hug of my child, a gentle word from my spouse, a line from a favorite hymn, success of a student, Scripture and the history of the prophets, a call from a friend. These are things not to be taken for granted as I know many do not have such comforts in their lives.

My mind tries to form my feelings into words that apparently do not exist for no words can bring out the feelings I hold inside. Some days I feel a hurt inside that I can find no origin for. I suppose it is linked, like an intricate spider's web, to events that continue to take their toll.

A day will come where peace sets in and I can finally allow the voids in my heart to be fully repaired. I'm not ready for that fix yet. As strange as it sounds I feel the need to hold on a little longer, to grieve. I do not know how much time that will require so day by day it is.

Me with my grandmother. She surprised me at my graduation all the way in Iowa!


February 8, 2012
Thoughts of Heaven fill my mind when I think of anyone I've lost. I realize I have much to look forward to as my personal 'tour guides' are training until I get there. :)

My Grief Over the Past Year

February 17th marks the one year anniversary of the loss of my grandmother. I have been through a lot of emotions since then. In the past year I occasionally write out my thoughts so I thought I'd copy them here. Hopefully it will help someone else or give insight to people of what I've been going through.

March 9, 2011
"Thoughts"
You ever just sit in the moment and replay random memories? Or even contemplate ones that can't now be made?

Reality seems optional at times.

All the talk about closure but not sure that I want closure. That's like admitting defeat.

Grief began 20 months ago with the initial diagnosis. Little by little the thoughts of the looming 'death date' seem to creep further into my thoughts. There's no denying it's coming, but you would expect that having some advanced warning would make it easier or prepare you in some way. It doesn't. Even being blessed with what I consider additional time didn't soothe the grief I now carry.

It's a permanent change in life. Not the change I would have chosen.

June 18, 2011
Weird the things that trigger emotion. A tv show, a song, a smell or sound.

Staying busy all day has been the equivalent of a magical pill. There's no time for thinking on your own time which means no time for thinking back on what you've lost. I think there are times I've really put it so far back that maybe I will make it today. I think at this point I've had one night where I haven't cried. It's not wailing by any means. Often it's just laying on my pillow at night quietly crying so my husband doesn't hear me and realize I'm just a mental case now.

One thought that I can't displace is recalling the image of my dear grandmother lying in her coffin. I can't recall all the words spoken at her funeral or even many of the people there, but the image of her is burned in my mind.

June 17, 2011
I try as I might to find something to compare the pain of loss to. Metaphorically it's like an amputation of a limb or more accurately a piece of my heart.

School is down to the final quarter. I convince myself daily to hold on a little longer. Once school is out I can allow more emotion. I know the reality is that I will still stuff it. There's not much more to do with it these days. I think back to movie scenes in the olden days where people grieved for a specific amount of time. It was observed by all around. I think they had a better grasp on the process of grief than all of our professionals, technology, and society have missed out on. We're expected to tough it out and move on. I think the harder part for me is people assume a grandparent is older and nearing the end of their life anyway. Maybe that should make it easier and more acceptable. Maybe not. There's no doubt my grandmother's life was shortened by a horrible disease. Cure was never listed in the treatment. I know that losing her is painful regardless of any reasoning anyone has to offer. I wanted her cured. I want a phone call, a visit. I just want her back.

June 18, 2011
Days have turned into months. Just when I think I am getting through it I lose it all over again. The tears aren't daily now, but I'm not sure if it's healing or the medication I gave into to get me by. Still the tears come, trying not to forget that last conversation I had. Knowing then that she was saying her good-byes. It was nothing short of miraculous the time we got with her. I should be thankful, that I know in my head. My heart doesn't comply. I wonder if the two will ever meet. Part of me doesn't want to stop grieving. Perhaps it's fear of forgetting her.

July 2011
Some days I'm fooled into what once was normal. I wrestle with how deep my feelings really go. Work keeps my mind occupied. My evening is so busy with motherhood responsibilities that I land in bed too exhausted to dwell on the sadness that lies within.

Avoidance has become a new way of life for me as I fun from the depression that really holds me prisoner. I don't know who it's safe to confide in. Peace is out of my reach. I find pleasure in my children and my husband but don't desire to search beyond these walls in my house.

I'm afraid of being alone.

Where will this path continue to lead? If loss of one is this unbearable, how would I ever survive the loss of more? I know I'll survive, but now likely without losing a few battles along the way.


If you made it to the end don't lose heart...I will post other thoughts in another blog! Grief is painful and is a process. I'm glad for the ability to grieve, but I can't say I enjoy it in any way! It's not something to be taken lightly.

The Struggles That Lie Ahead

I wasn't sure how to approach all that has been going on in my week. I have been constantly reminded of how important faith is and how mortal we really are.

I have been very excited about the Christmas season this year. I don't know why, but this year I feel more excited than I remember being last year. I have almost all of the gifts wrapped and placed under the tree already! I've been reading from "Why the Nativity" by David Jeremiah to the girls most nights this month as well to get their hearts in the right place for Christmas, too. As fun as the presents and time with cousins are, it pales in comparison to the ultimate gift of Jesus coming in the form of a man to live among us, to minister to us, and ultimately to die for us giving us opportunity to have everlasting life with Him. I have been feeling convicted and humbled at the same time by what the Word of God has to say about our lives here on this earth lately. Even as I look at all the wonderful gifts that we were able to buy for our family this year a part of me wonders what would happen if we didn't buy presents? What if instead we used the money towards our church, towards people in need? Would I or my family feel cheated or like we've gone crazy?! I would hope not! I would hope that it would draw more attention to Jesus and less attention to our worldly desires. I am not saying that I believe gift giving is wrong...by no means...if you could see under my tree you'd know. :) I just wonder how many have thought of going without for the sake of others.

Anyway, I am beginning to run a tangent...

I have had a rough year dealing with the cancer diagnosis my grandmother received in June. The doctors gave her 6 months and maybe a few more months with treatment. Well, needless to say we're in December and she is still going! God has been good. She does get weaker and I can hear the weariness in her voice often when I talk with her. I don't dwell long on it because the fountain behind my eyes begins to leak. She has been a blessing to me in my life. As Christmas draws nearer my heart feels heavier as my desire to be with her just "one more time" deepens. Originally we were going to spend Christmas in Georgia this year because it has been many years since our last, but with my granmother's situation we decided to go in the summer when we could have 6 weeks instead of just one with her. Even if the Lord has her days numbered such that this is her last Christmas I know I cannot sorrow because I will be reunited with her in the future when I celebrate my homecoming to Heaven.

Last week I received more bad news that my step-grandfather (my step-mom's dad) has cancer. At this point there is very little to be done. I am not especially close to him, but I do think of him as family. He and his family have always treated me like I was part of the family. He is a very kind man, humorous, witty, and a little rough around the edges. It's why he's so likable. My heart breaks again for another impending loss in the coming year. I wish I could give my brother a hug as he faces the loss of a grandfather he loves so, and my step-mom who faces losing her father.

To combine with all this I have sort of mixed feelings about the phone call I received this week from my new nurse practitioner/midwife. I switched because I have felt something isn't right with my body, and my previous doctor's office was dismissive of me and told me I was healthy. I went to the ER last month, during church, feeling numbness in my hands and like I was going to pass out. Very scary stuff! I've also had some female issues I want checked out, but my previous care provider refused help stating I am getting older, not having more children, but could be back on birth control pills to be more "normal". I'm so glad I didn't listen to that! In the last few weeks I found out I have fibroid tumors. That explains part of my problem. I will also be doing hormone testing in the coming months, too. Then came the phone call where Rose (my new care provider) was looking through my records and noticed something odd with my bloodwork. On New Year's Eve I will be going to a hematologist. She suspects I may have something called polycythemia which means I have a high platelet count making my blood thicker and slower which could lead to blood clots. (So glad I didn't take the advice to be on the pill again.) I am happy someone is finally noticing what my body is doing yet a little scared at the possibilities that lie ahead. I am praying that whatever it is I am going through will be treatable and that it will not be passed down to my children.

This is one of my longer blogs...sorry! I am so thankful for the friends that have been willing to pray for me and my family. I was hesitant to blog this simply because I don't want it to come across as a woman needing attention or sympathy. I simply ask for prayers. I know God is so good and His ways are not mine. He has placed me on this journey for a reason and through this I will glorify Him, not myself, but Him. Those close to me know I am a woman of strong faith and conviction. All the decisions of our family's life revolve around our faith, not our jobs, money, or circumstance. Those things are trivial. God is eternal!

A New Journey

Just when I thought my life couldn't get any crazier! I have been so caught up in my own little world lately, finishing the kids' school year, music, painting the church nursery, organizing VBS, working on the house, and the list goes on. In the midst of all that came one of those phone calls everyone hopes to never receive. I knew my grandmother had been losing weight for a while with no explained reason. The doctor was getting concerned and after his own testing could not find out the cause. He sent my grandmother to get a screening to see if there was any cancer anywhere in her body. I knew a phone call was coming, but it wasn't what I wanted to hear. It was Saturday, June 6th. I was on my way to Dubuque for a graduation party when I talked to my mom on my cell phone. I asked how her appointment had gone the day before. The devastating news followed that she did have cancer. The waiting game began to find out specifics about the cancer. All we knew was it was stomach cancer and that there were also spots on her liver. A week and a half later came "the rest of the story". It was bad, stage 4, with less than 6 months of life left, maybe a few more if she takes chemo pills.

Crying is an understatement. Those of you that know me well can just imagine the river of tears that followed. This is my grandmother. The lady I lived with for half of my childhood, who took my mom, brother, and I in. She and my grandfather provided the security and family stability my brother and I probably would not have had otherwise.

My grandfather passed away in 1997. My grandmother has held her own for the last 12 years. She has never driven, and even my grandfather did the grocery shopping when he was alive. My mom has taken the reins and takes my grandmother places she needs to go and visits with her frequently. People from her church faithfully make sure she arrives each Sunday morning.

The first week and a half I had a terrible time sleeping as my mind would start imagining the scenes that will someday take place. I can't help but wonder will she have to suffer? Will she outlive the doctor's estimates? Will God perform a miracle? What will her funeral be like? What will it be like to go home and not go to her house anymore? Then it's the other questions of when can I go see her? Can we afford this trip? How long will I stay? Will Sean be able to go? Will I really have to drive 17 hours in 2 days with 3 kids?!

I am learning to let God take control of all these questions. I can honestly say I am really not worrying about any of it now. I am confident that He will take care of all her needs and He will provide my needs and work out the details for our family.

This is getting long, but a few things about my grandmother...
Her name is Doris Evelyn Nichols
She is 83 and remembers some of the first cars and getting electricity for the first time.
She loves teaching Sunday School to adults and writes all the verses she studies over and over and over to help commit them to memory and keep her mind sharp.
She loves the 23rd Psalm.
She hasn't been hospitalized in over 27 years (I think I remember that right). :)
She told the doctor she is so blessed she is to have cancer at the end of her life instead of in the middle of it.
She is going to try the chemo pill so "others will know she's trying and wants to live".
She is happy for what awaits her after this earthly life.
Her maiden name is Watkins.
She is the only grandmother I've ever known.