My Grief Continued...

I posted yesterday about the grief I've experienced in the last year after losing my grandmother to cancer. I posted some of the writing I've done in the last year. Here's the latest entries that I have written.

Christmas 2009: Our last. The girls loved her and she loved them.

"Faith's Resting Place"
January 4, 2012

Someday my faith will be my sight.
The splendor of Heaven will consume me.
The roaring of the Lion of Judah that filled my spirit will be heard as the gentle voice of the Shepherd that has beentending to me for so long.
I will cry out in joyful praises for the battles I have fought and are now overcome.
I will reunite with the saints that have gone before me.
I will take a tour of a place I will never grow tired of.
There is a brightness that opens up new views of color never before imagined.
I will learn the truth of perfection.
I am forever grateful for that choice so long ago.
And the security that came with that reward.
I will never tire of seeing my Savior face to face and my eternity of worship that lies ahead.
I will see where my faith is made visible and where the chains of sin are removed.
For here is the resting place of God's grace as promised for those who chose faith.

Our last Christmas together 2009.


"Trials"
January 21, 2012
I know God is allowing these trials so that I might savor the victory that much more. Were I to walk through this life without tribulation it would be equal to the life of a spoiled child. There would be no appreciation in overcoming a hardship and faith becomes rooted in self rather than God.

It's not to say I relish the trials that come my way. Instead I must look forward to the victory that will come at the end knowing my Savior has my life in His hand.

I sometimes live just to survive a day and some days just to make it hour by hour. My comfort comes in many forms. The hug of my child, a gentle word from my spouse, a line from a favorite hymn, success of a student, Scripture and the history of the prophets, a call from a friend. These are things not to be taken for granted as I know many do not have such comforts in their lives.

My mind tries to form my feelings into words that apparently do not exist for no words can bring out the feelings I hold inside. Some days I feel a hurt inside that I can find no origin for. I suppose it is linked, like an intricate spider's web, to events that continue to take their toll.

A day will come where peace sets in and I can finally allow the voids in my heart to be fully repaired. I'm not ready for that fix yet. As strange as it sounds I feel the need to hold on a little longer, to grieve. I do not know how much time that will require so day by day it is.

Me with my grandmother. She surprised me at my graduation all the way in Iowa!


February 8, 2012
Thoughts of Heaven fill my mind when I think of anyone I've lost. I realize I have much to look forward to as my personal 'tour guides' are training until I get there. :)

My Grief Over the Past Year

February 17th marks the one year anniversary of the loss of my grandmother. I have been through a lot of emotions since then. In the past year I occasionally write out my thoughts so I thought I'd copy them here. Hopefully it will help someone else or give insight to people of what I've been going through.

March 9, 2011
"Thoughts"
You ever just sit in the moment and replay random memories? Or even contemplate ones that can't now be made?

Reality seems optional at times.

All the talk about closure but not sure that I want closure. That's like admitting defeat.

Grief began 20 months ago with the initial diagnosis. Little by little the thoughts of the looming 'death date' seem to creep further into my thoughts. There's no denying it's coming, but you would expect that having some advanced warning would make it easier or prepare you in some way. It doesn't. Even being blessed with what I consider additional time didn't soothe the grief I now carry.

It's a permanent change in life. Not the change I would have chosen.

June 18, 2011
Weird the things that trigger emotion. A tv show, a song, a smell or sound.

Staying busy all day has been the equivalent of a magical pill. There's no time for thinking on your own time which means no time for thinking back on what you've lost. I think there are times I've really put it so far back that maybe I will make it today. I think at this point I've had one night where I haven't cried. It's not wailing by any means. Often it's just laying on my pillow at night quietly crying so my husband doesn't hear me and realize I'm just a mental case now.

One thought that I can't displace is recalling the image of my dear grandmother lying in her coffin. I can't recall all the words spoken at her funeral or even many of the people there, but the image of her is burned in my mind.

June 17, 2011
I try as I might to find something to compare the pain of loss to. Metaphorically it's like an amputation of a limb or more accurately a piece of my heart.

School is down to the final quarter. I convince myself daily to hold on a little longer. Once school is out I can allow more emotion. I know the reality is that I will still stuff it. There's not much more to do with it these days. I think back to movie scenes in the olden days where people grieved for a specific amount of time. It was observed by all around. I think they had a better grasp on the process of grief than all of our professionals, technology, and society have missed out on. We're expected to tough it out and move on. I think the harder part for me is people assume a grandparent is older and nearing the end of their life anyway. Maybe that should make it easier and more acceptable. Maybe not. There's no doubt my grandmother's life was shortened by a horrible disease. Cure was never listed in the treatment. I know that losing her is painful regardless of any reasoning anyone has to offer. I wanted her cured. I want a phone call, a visit. I just want her back.

June 18, 2011
Days have turned into months. Just when I think I am getting through it I lose it all over again. The tears aren't daily now, but I'm not sure if it's healing or the medication I gave into to get me by. Still the tears come, trying not to forget that last conversation I had. Knowing then that she was saying her good-byes. It was nothing short of miraculous the time we got with her. I should be thankful, that I know in my head. My heart doesn't comply. I wonder if the two will ever meet. Part of me doesn't want to stop grieving. Perhaps it's fear of forgetting her.

July 2011
Some days I'm fooled into what once was normal. I wrestle with how deep my feelings really go. Work keeps my mind occupied. My evening is so busy with motherhood responsibilities that I land in bed too exhausted to dwell on the sadness that lies within.

Avoidance has become a new way of life for me as I fun from the depression that really holds me prisoner. I don't know who it's safe to confide in. Peace is out of my reach. I find pleasure in my children and my husband but don't desire to search beyond these walls in my house.

I'm afraid of being alone.

Where will this path continue to lead? If loss of one is this unbearable, how would I ever survive the loss of more? I know I'll survive, but now likely without losing a few battles along the way.


If you made it to the end don't lose heart...I will post other thoughts in another blog! Grief is painful and is a process. I'm glad for the ability to grieve, but I can't say I enjoy it in any way! It's not something to be taken lightly.

While You Are Sleeping

While you are sleeping I often reminisce of days gone by.
My memories hold you in high esteem.
The world will not stop for me to to prolong any time
I continue on my path that is now without you.

My journey is not yet complete
I will continue to leave my mark just as you left yours
So that when my time comes to rest
Someone will remember me as fondly as I remember you.

When my time comes to sleep as you do
I look forward to waking up and seeing you, sweet lady, and so many more.
Until such time I will work hard to make you proud
Of what I continue to accomplish were you not sleeping now.



"Now I say this, brethren, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God; nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Behold, I tell you a mystery; we will not all sleep, but we will all be changed..."
1 Corinthians 15:50-51

The View From Here

An emptiness remains where you use to be.
The conversations
Visits
Advice
Laughs
And memories shared

I do not wish to fill the void.
Nothing can fill it.

Your celebration must be grand
with no more trails of sorrow or sickness.
No more longings for what you yourself lost.
Your reunions are spectacular!
Your dreams come to full realization.
Surrounded by holiness and majesty.

Someday I will reunite with you as well.
I know you'll be waiting
but my time is not now.
Until then the void will remain.
I will walk this journey with those I still have.
The conversations
Visits
Advice
Laughs
And memories shared will be passed on.
Always accompanied by tears
but never with regrets.

And Life Goes On...

I wish I thought to blog just a part of the thoughts that come to my mind. Yet in this season of life I find it difficult to take time away from my kids to do so. Since my last blog (WAY back in July) I have celebrated my oldest becoming a teen, been part of the pinning ceremony for my husband, now a warrant officer, almost come half-way through another school year, and continued to struggle with the grieving of my grandmother.

I prepare to finish wrapping the gifts to place under the tree tonight. My children seem to be my only motivation these days as Christmas approaches. Many days I feel like I'm in a dark and lonely place. It feels like the pain will never end. I've had so few people in my life that I completely trusted and loved with all of my heart. I am trying to stay focused on the real reason of the holidays. My 4 year old is the one constantly commenting about Jesus' birthday and how important it was for Him to be born a baby so He could save us. I love to see the world through her eyes.

I don't know many people who have dealt with grief. I wonder how fine the line is between grief and depression. So few know my battle, I can't believe I even mention it here. Sadly, no one even mentions her much anymore. I guess I look fine from the outside. The most unfortunate thing that has come from my loss has probably been realizing how self-focused everyone really is. I have truly appreciated those that have been there for me, and I know I was very clear about my relationship with my grandmother to all that were around me but people forget. I have a friend that lost her mother this year. I know she also will have a hard Christmas. The holidays are hard without the people you love. This year I plan to stay in my home with my family. I don't care to venture out or celebrate with anyone else. Maybe next year will be different, but right now I live one day at a time.

Emotions

Some days go by so quickly that I'm without time to go beyond the daily expectations. Other days are quite the opposite, brief moments turning into long mental events. I've always been a very emotional person. I laugh with people and cry with people. My mom tells stories of my Lassie watching days and that I just couldn't watch Old Yeller. Pathetic perhaps, but I never have liked the fact that I'm such an emotional person.

It seems as I get older that the emotional roller coaster only worsens. These days it is further compounded by my grandmother's death. I hate dealing with emotions. They're like an added weight to my body, a weight I'd like to lose.

Maybe someday I'll be the victor over my emotions. Maybe not. Either way, I continue the battle, and yes it is a battle.

Dealing with loss

February 16, 2011 I am home very sick for a second day from school. I am sitting in a clinic hoping that I will get some relief from the sufferings in my body. As I'm waiting there my phone rings. It's the call I've dreaded for so long. My mother tells me how things have gotten really bad for my grandmother. The Hospice nurse said she would not likely make it through the night.

I lost my beloved grandmother in the early morning hours of February 17, 2011.

The funeral service was a great tribute to the godly woman she was. Here's what I wrote that was shared at the service.

Do not grieve long for her
Her battle was fought well and with great endurance
She was a living testimony of God’s hand in action
3-6 months the doctors said
That was 20 months ago
She was not defined by the battle with cancer
She IS defined by the legacy she leaves
She was a woman of great faith
With a heart for orphans, widows and the hurting
A faithful wife
Devoted mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother lovingly referred to as “Granny”
She did not require blood to be in her family
Vanity was not in her nature nor idleness in her hands
She is a “woman who feared the Lord and is praised”

My lifetime memories I have to pass on are…
The biscuits we made
Scaring her from behind (she ALWAYS jumped)
Walks around the neighborhood to recycle cans
Tending the garden
Canning seasons
Licking the beaters
Back rubs and jokes in bed
Cold washcloths to the last one up for school
Special treats for us grand-children (and the great-grands)
Burnt potholders
Seeing her at my college graduation IN IOWA!
Her countless hours of Bible study and hand written Scriptures
The stories she shared with me and with my girls of her growing up
Listening to her reflect on her life and how much she loved her daughters and her grandchildren
My last good-bye…

So do not grieve long for her
Her faith is now sight and she is finally home.
“Well done, good and faithful servant.”

I also added this verse of a great hymn:
All the way my Savior leads me
O the fullness of His love!
Perfect rest to me is promised
In my Father’s house above.
When my spirit, clothed immortal,
Wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages—
Jesus led me all the way


I wish I could tell you that the weeks since have been a healing time and a time of rejoicing in her homecoming. As much as I know I should look forward to seeing her again someday, I can't seem to get past the idea of not seeing her here. I don't know much about grief. The only other loss I've ever had to suffer was that of my grandfather in 1997. That loss was devastating as well. It took years to even talk about it. This feels worse. I guess it's because I was even closer to my grandmother and had more years with her. Maybe it's also because my children were able to know her and I get to watch them suffer through a loss as well.

I write down thoughts here and there. I don't know how long this journey of dealing with her loss will be. I just hope that by the end I will be stronger and be even more confident in my faith. That is the better alternative to just being depressed and plain crazy.

Blessings in my Time of Need

I'm not sure exactly what I'm about to write. This has been a long week for me, emotionally. On Tuesday evening I received the call I have known would come. My grandmother's cancer is spreading again and she is done with treatment. Hospice has been called so now it's just a waiting period.

I've been so blessed with e-mails, phone calls, and Facebook messages from my friends that care about me. I have really appreciated those that have taken the moments to let me know they care.

I hope that throughout this ordeal that follows that I will truly reflect a godly mindset. I know that I have friends that don't believe in God or have walked away from Him. I have friends that would ask why a real God would allow such innocent people to suffer. I could write at length a blog about why there is suffering, but today I won't. None of us are innocent. Even the "best" of people have done wrong things in their lives. My grandmother is looked up to by many people but would be the first to tell you she has done wrong things in her life. However, our sufferings aren't necessarily a judgement of heaven. We live in a fallen world. Believe in God or not, just watch the news or read the local paper and you'll find evidence of that. One of my favorite bumper stickers reads, "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven." Because I am a Christian doesn't give me superpowers to be above doing wrong. It does hold me to a higher standard though and thankfully I keep short accounts with God recognizing my sin and asking forgiveness for every sin I do is another time I picture the Roman soldier driving the nail into my Savior's hands and feet. Regardless of the suffering I will endure here, I know that glory awaits me where there will be no more suffering or pain. I have security in my future, the same security my grandmother has. My grandfather has been celebrating in heaven for almost 13 years now and I will find a way to rejoice when my grandmother joins him. My faith will not waiver in this world, because if it does, it was not real faith to begin with.

Thank you again to my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who are doing what the body should do by encouraging me. Thank you to everyone for holding me up. God is good! I hope my life may be a reflection of His love and His saving grace.